I Fall
Everything hurts more than it probably should
The smallest things send me into spirals
And I get it
The illusion of control is intoxicating
The illusion of choice, even moreso
I reach out from the depths of isolation and despair with one hand
and shove my saviors with the other
A battle no one cares to notice
And I wonder what it is about me
that makes me love unavailable people
I lament the answer
And if my love was not born in
struggle
or
intrigue
would it even exist at all?
I walk with the heaviest emptiness in my chest
The weight of love often too great of a burden to bear
I hate how deeply it torments me
I have built walls layers thick and impenetrable
Walls around the empty
And love is the chisel that destroys me every moment
But I love. I love until my fortress is a heap of rubble
bare and smoking on the floor
dusty and jagged
And I yell
And cry
And people sift through the debris and take what they deem desirable
and disregard the rest
Because that’s all I am.
A trophy
or
A blemish
And so I build
I pick up the pieces and I build
Over & over
Creation
Destruction
Round & round it goes.
Being exposed is not an option
The facade is all they truly want
Everything else is too intense
and they
too inadequate
Then she comes along
And brick by brick she disarms me
I allow it
I smile through the pain
I hate her
I fear her
I long for her
She fires at me with smiles and arrows
She carves away broken fragments of my heart
And I am left in her wake
Her fortess is left untouched
And I am buried under the weight of
vulnerability
and
weakness
and the illusion of choice
ruined
I
f
a
l
l