I Fall

Everything hurts more than it probably should

The smallest things send me into spirals

And I get it

The illusion of control is intoxicating

The illusion of choice, even moreso

I reach out from the depths of isolation and despair with one hand

and shove my saviors with the other

A battle no one cares to notice

And I wonder what it is about me

that makes me love unavailable people

I lament the answer

 

And if my love was not born in

struggle

or

intrigue

would it even exist at all?

 

I walk with the heaviest emptiness in my chest

The weight of love often too great of a burden to bear

I hate how deeply it torments me

I have built walls layers thick and impenetrable

Walls around the empty

 

And love is the chisel that destroys me every moment

 

But I love. I love until my fortress is a heap of rubble

bare and smoking on the floor

dusty and jagged

And I yell

And cry

And people sift through the debris and take what they deem desirable

and disregard the rest

Because that’s all I am.

A trophy

or

A blemish

 

And so I build

I pick up the pieces and I build

Over & over

Creation

Destruction

Round & round it goes.

Being exposed is not an option

The facade is all they truly want

Everything else is too intense

and they

too inadequate

 

Then she comes along

And brick by brick she disarms me

I allow it

I smile through the pain

I hate her

I fear her

I long for her

She fires at me with smiles and arrows

She carves away broken fragments of my heart

And I am left in her wake

Her fortess is left untouched

And I am buried under the weight of

vulnerability

and

weakness

and the illusion of choice

 

ruined

 

I

 

f

a

l

l