Happy Winter Solstice

It’s no coincidence today is Winter Solstice and I had absolutely no idea…

 

I’ve been all over the place this year. Really out of tune with the symphony of life.

 

Mercury’s retrograde was particularly hard for me… but I didn’t even notice Mercury was in retrograde until after I went through everything I’d gone through.

 

So when I forgot about Winter Solstice as well, I wasn’t really surprised.

 

 

I cut myself pretty badly yesterday. I also got my period…

 

Got really fucking angry at my job, at people, at life, at the world… I hated everyone.

 

Had an anxiety attack.

 

Called a friend who distracted me… but something inside of me wanted to keep raging, keep being angry, keep hating everything. I didn’t know why.

 

The distraction my friend provided for me was being vehemently opposed by something inside of me, and I felt like that made me even more fucked up than I’d originally thought… but I went with it. I said, “Okay, for some reason, I really want to be angry right now. I want to stew in my anger and hate, so that’s what I’m gonna do. Let’s see where it goes. Let’s try nurturing my anger instead of criticizing it.”

 

Eventually, I went to sleep.

 

I woke up and still felt angry.

 

I took a shower and listened to angry metal… Slipknot, Disturbed, etc….

 

I sang. I cried.

 

I scrolled my Facebook timeline to find a distraction again… because that’s what I do.

 

I don’t deal with my emotions… I redirect them… I pacify them… I stuff them down… I criticize them. I do anything except go through them; accept them.

 

I realized it was December 21st.

 

And suddenly, everything made sense.

 

I was being reborn…

 

and it hurt like hell.

 

I have been feeling myself changing for weeks now, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was happening, so I just constantly criticized myself. Something was wrong with me. I feared what I did not understand.

 

But now here I am, feeling better, feeling stronger, feeling resilient…

 

I got back into the shower and let the water wash away whatever it could; whatever I needed to let go of…

 

It’s like my body is just going through a physical and mental cleansing in order to let go of that which does not serve me anymore…

 

I feel so in tune with the universe.

 

I still feel residual angst and anger, but the important part is that I FEEL it. I know what it is. I can acknowledge it. I have control of it, and when I’m ready, I’ll let that go too…

 

I just thought I should document this. I might care about this moment some day.

 

 

 

Happy Winter Solstice.

 

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