Happy Winter Solstice
It’s no coincidence today is Winter Solstice and I had absolutely no idea…
I’ve been all over the place this year. Really out of tune with the symphony of life.
Mercury’s retrograde was particularly hard for me… but I didn’t even notice Mercury was in retrograde until after I went through everything I’d gone through.
So when I forgot about Winter Solstice as well, I wasn’t really surprised.
I cut myself pretty badly yesterday. I also got my period…
Got really fucking angry at my job, at people, at life, at the world… I hated everyone.
Had an anxiety attack.
Called a friend who distracted me… but something inside of me wanted to keep raging, keep being angry, keep hating everything. I didn’t know why.
The distraction my friend provided for me was being vehemently opposed by something inside of me, and I felt like that made me even more fucked up than I’d originally thought… but I went with it. I said, “Okay, for some reason, I really want to be angry right now. I want to stew in my anger and hate, so that’s what I’m gonna do. Let’s see where it goes. Let’s try nurturing my anger instead of criticizing it.”
Eventually, I went to sleep.
I woke up and still felt angry.
I took a shower and listened to angry metal… Slipknot, Disturbed, etc….
I sang. I cried.
I scrolled my Facebook timeline to find a distraction again… because that’s what I do.
I don’t deal with my emotions… I redirect them… I pacify them… I stuff them down… I criticize them. I do anything except go through them; accept them.
I realized it was December 21st.
And suddenly, everything made sense.
I was being reborn…
and it hurt like hell.
I have been feeling myself changing for weeks now, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was happening, so I just constantly criticized myself. Something was wrong with me. I feared what I did not understand.
But now here I am, feeling better, feeling stronger, feeling resilient…
I got back into the shower and let the water wash away whatever it could; whatever I needed to let go of…
It’s like my body is just going through a physical and mental cleansing in order to let go of that which does not serve me anymore…
I feel so in tune with the universe.
I still feel residual angst and anger, but the important part is that I FEEL it. I know what it is. I can acknowledge it. I have control of it, and when I’m ready, I’ll let that go too…
I just thought I should document this. I might care about this moment some day.
Happy Winter Solstice.